When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.