I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Born to be mild.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Botany good plants lately?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.