Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear