An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
And then there were 4
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.