kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I鈥檓 beginning to suspect this fat phase isn鈥檛 a phase
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he鈥檚 doing a good job?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey鈥檚 dad and nobody measures up.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 馃槶馃槶
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we鈥檙e not having sex?
It鈥檚 embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There鈥檚 not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I think I鈥檝e convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can鈥檛 wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die