I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters