Real House Wines.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.