I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
You Might Also Like
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.