[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE