For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The three genders
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.