I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
You Might Also Like
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so