me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.