The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look