If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.