My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Meat Cute
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again