me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus