Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
scrabbled eggs
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.