Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.