Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.