When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.