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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
We need more people like this.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.