my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.