Am I having a stroke?
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.