I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?