WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Lmfaoooooo
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence