I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.