I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England