AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.