cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
CUTE CAT‼︎
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”