Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.