Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
the greatest twitter interaction
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If you know, you know
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.