Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.