I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Actually cracking up @ this
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.