“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.