Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
🤣✨#caturday
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.