Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now