My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents