I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
the three branches of government
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
There are no pants in heaven.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)