my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The “baby” on the left….
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
This came to me in a dream.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Perfect
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen