I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
pelicons
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
relationship goals
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
When someone trying to leave me
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item