It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I don’t get marriage
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way