not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.