I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso