In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.