MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
dogs can find happiness so easily
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.