Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I need to get some bricks…
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
mom had nothing to worry about
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.