I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct