“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.