Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
You Might Also Like
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Noted.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid