[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The point of your 20s
is this a threat
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*